smooth move

i’m afraid i may have ruined the girl’s whole day.

she called me up so excited because she’s back in the city and she wanted to know what i thought of the idea of living there together sometime in the future. she loves to imagine and gets really excited about the ideas of things. i’m afraid that i was a wee bit tired and cranky, as i seemed fully unexcited about the idea of imagining something that would be 6-7 years down the road... minimum. i went off for more than a few minutes about how i feel trapped by my job and yet simultaneously fear limited in my alternatives because of my need to provide for her and whatever childrenpeople we might happen to progenerate. so then she said how she felt guilty for being a environmental pressure that limits my ability to flexibly pass through this world. then i said that was incorrect, and that she was needlessly guiltying herself, and that due to societal structure and our upbringing, guys learn to define themselves by their ability to provide for their tribe. i told her that regardless of whether i am single or married, i would always be considering the situation down the road. even if i was single right now, i would still be looking towards a career that would not only satisfy my own needs of personal fulfillment but that would also allow me to provide for myself and whatever family unit i might find myself responsible for in the future.

she just wanted to talk about living in the city, going to shows and museums, and letting me work on my art.

i am such a downer.