in the name of medicine

ladies and gentlemen,

i regret to inform you of the bitter illness that has beset your beloved. i am afraid to tell you that there is no quick cure, and that rehabilitation will be a long and arduous process requiring much trial and tribulation, as well as support and dedication from his loved ones.

 

the cause should be of no surprise. there is a plethora of scientifically sound historical evidence that link the known causes to this kind of affliction. unfortunately, in times of global crisis such as these, often the personal safety of the few is sacrificed for the effort for the greater good. it was also found that the required OSHA placards (that detail the level of risk that an individual may face in this environment) were conspicuously absent from the workplace.

 

however, regardless of the amount of information available or preventative measures put into place, the end result is the same: a testosterone saturated environment with only remote links to the outside world... your dearly beloved has been diagnosed with chronic maleness. the term derived from the latin root mal, apparently meaning bad.

 

the subject first started displaying symptoms about two months ago when the testosterone rich environment started affecting him almost immediately. within days there appeared the early warning signs of upper labial follicle development... also known by the layman's term 'silly mustache." this in itself is not normally serious. often things like this flare up from time to time, normally on weekends when accompanied by suitably stimulating testosterone producing activities such as auto mechanicalism, and other fixing or bug killing activities, but it usually disappears in time for the relatively benign work week. in this case however, the follicle development continued, nay was cultured and even encouraged within the social context of his work environment. now two months later, the silly mustache is fully formed and promises to grow even further with no sign of subsiding.

 

the next and more serious phase of the affliction was more surprising... with very little warning, the subject began to spend more and more time in a physical conditioning center, engaging in painful and repetitive activities designed for nothing other than the restructuring and manipulation of musculoskeletal structure and the cardiovascular system. again, this activity has occasionally been a part of our dearly beloved's life schedule, but usually in short bursts and never with the regularity and intensity here mentioned.

 

over time, this has lead to a decrease in the amount of time spent in correspondence with his friends and family. it has lead to a decrease in the amount of net creative energy excess and a reciprocal increase in the frequency and duration of shop talk and guy time.

 

one of the serious long term effects of this dangerous affliction is the possible dissolution of relation with the previously existing ego (in the Freudian sense) and loss of connection with all things beautiful and creative (think california). overall the subject has been prescribed pens, pencils, paints, and paper, as well as music and books. the sketchbooks, pens, and pencils are already in his possession, and a very large shipment of paints is enroute, but we may need your help with suggestions for reading and hip music to inspire this young man so that we do not forever banish him to existence as just another uninspired, commonplace, testosterone driven guy.

 

i plead for your assistance, in the name of medicine and all good things.