mute

I have lost the ability to talk on the phone. I used to be rather good at it, but recently it seems I’ve run out of things to say.

Or perhaps I feel my space is compacted and that I have lost the ability to ground myself into my surroundings... most likely this comes from the fact that I have to share a hotel room on this particular business trip. He’s a nice enough guy and we get along well enough. Normally, however, when I talk on the phone I talk fairly freely. I let out my own actual person... and that particular person is not one that I like to share with those persons that I work with. This person is no exception.

I was not always this guarded. In fact, it kind of pains me to refer to myself as guarded, when surrounded by people I trust and choose to be around.

It’s a strange thing, trust is.

It shapes the flow of our vent into the world. When there is lots of trust the valve is open and we flow into the world. When it is lacking, the valve spins down to crush off our excessive energy. We shut up and sit against the wall. We don’t smile as much and we don’t offer as much.

Sometimes it is even easier to open up more to a total stranger than a person we interact with everyday, because it is free and safe and at the end of the conversation there is a parting of the ways. How many people have you sat next to on the plane, only to hear every little detail of their life? Chances are, you know more about some aspects of them than some of their closest friends.

Otherwise we get compacted... constipated with our insides... and when the time comes to open our valve... nothing comes out.