press

i don't really feel like writing today, but i feel like i need to express.

 

express: to press out.

 

it makes me think of a swelling inside, under the skin, and pressing emotion out through the pores, like sweat that you can wipe away with the back of your hand.

 

i germinated an avocado seed months ago. i stuck three toothpicks into it's side and suspended it in a truncated water bottle bottom in my closet, so it would be dark and warm. for a long time there was no change. just the sense of pressure within; an intuition of potential. over weeks i have watched the case split as the taproot emerged and fumbled down around the bottom of its plastic home. i waited until the shoot stretched from the crown of the seed until i poured out the water and gave it soil.

 

by soil i mean mud. by mud i mean clay. there is no soil in this land. at least not within an arms reach beyond the fence. the clay is mud when wet and dust when dry. there are only a few wonderful days in between when it is just dirt.

 

the shoot stopped growing. it could be because it is adapting to its new medium. it could be because the soil is too wet. it could be because i waited too long to transplant it to dirt. it could be because it is only lit by a single 75 watt light bulb because if i left it outside, its little water bottle pot would dry out in the sun before i could get back from work. it could have given up.

 

i have to trust that it is using its energy to grab the earth with its roots. i have to trust that it is gaining strength and learning about it's new home. i have to trust that it still has that pressure inside that it needs to express... that its soul is still within... with purpose.

 

in the meantime i'll just sit and wait... and wipe the sweat off my brow with the back of my hand.