here's the thing:
i don't really really trust you. because i don't really know you. this essentially comes down to a lack of faith in myself, but i am going to project a little for now, so humor me or find somewhere else to browse.
i have had a problem with writing about how i feel. truthfully writing. i'm not quite sure where it comes from. it is easy to ramble on about something. to get words down on a white screen and hit PUBLISH and feel like you are writing, but anyone can do that. i started doing this because i wanted to write and vent and purge and have cathartic release. well, whatever it is that i have been doing has failed to effect that result. i've been putting pictures in with the words as i take them. they are loosely associated with words if at all. more often than not, i am actually just happy to put the pictures up. the photos have an anonymous energy that is more effective than the words anyways. they are safe.
those who have ventured close to my heart have often told me that near to it lies an impenetrable box. some have used the word fortress, some have used the word chest, and someone told me it was a room with no doors that hides something that she so wished with all her heart that she could see.
i knew the whole time that i had a sense of what they were all talking about, but i was unable to define it then, just as i am unable to define it now.
heather sometimes scratches at my chest as she lies up next to me and whispers "let me in, let me in" if it is particularly conspicuous. all the while i feel as if i am laid open and bare to the whole world, and especially her.
this blog will never tell you who i am. it may reveal what i am thinking at a moment. it may show you a glimpse of my beliefs or how my mind works, but it will likely never define the box.
this is most likely because i keep it closed for a reason, whatever that reason may be. for the time, it seems, i keep it closed even to myself.
while i say that it is you that i don't trust, really it seems that it is myself whom i need to convince.
i don't really trust me, because i'm not really sure how much i know me right now
5 comments:
dear brother! You are amazing and i wish i could have been the one who left the milk out on the counter last week. I am sure you needed to decompress after the fam...I love you and think you are a brilliant writer and creative soul. I am honored to say that whatever it maybe locked up inside your little box, I have a tiny bit of the same in my box. I am oh so very proud to know my brother and love you oh so very mucho.. kiss kiss
I guess you were the one blessed with the writing gene...after reading my comment I realized i shouldnt use the term box so often...oops
thanks sis. you can come over and leave the milk out on the counter anytime. i miss you heaps. love, bro
I LOVE YOU BOTH SOOOOO MUCH! Patrick, this is a beautiful entry, thank you. Ha! You reveal much more than you realize! Kel, you are a great writer and I like how many times you used the word, "box."
Patrick...I MISS YOU.
Thinking of you every day. Sending you love and peace and harmony to envelope you...and loads of angels to watch by your side. I love you.
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