Wax Poetic

i wish i could remember what i was looking for.

it mustn't have been too large... smaller than a breadbox... and yet too big to put in my pocket. that's always how it is with important things... nebulous.

i think i felt it once in my hand. small and weighty, i could almost close my hands around it, two at a time, but not quite. i wish i had taken a better look, instead of just feeling it along my fingers and thinking i had it squared away... dicked... settled.

looking back, i never should have closed my eyes. i should have opened them, looked down, taken it all in. i should have held it up to my lips and breathed it in. i should have curled in a ball around it. i should have.

but i didn't, and i lost it

i must have put it down somewhere, thinking i'd come back for it... thinking i'd pick it up again... never figuring that it wouldn't be there when i finally reached for it...

you should have seen the look on my face... the fool... the sap... the imbecile.
the one who knew finally and too late

it is easy to forget sometimes... the value of what is in your hand. it is easy to look at what is on the horizon and forget that precious weight in your hand. i cannot explain what it feels like to have felt it and lost it... to have misplaced it... to have misprioritized... to have misfocused... to be awakened into your own personal incomplete reality.

time will heal. time always heals.
whatever that means

it means time helps you forget. time helps you move on. time helps you put distance between you and your mistakes. time makes it easier to distract yourself with the immediate pressing matters of the present and disremember the past... to let it fall out of focus.

so there it is, over my shoulder and out of focus... behind me.... possibly in front of me... but i can no longer remember the weight or shape in my hand. i can't even trust that i'd remember it if it's mass settled into my palm... or on my chest... or my heart... or my mind. so there is a trust, a blind faith, that it will all will be just fine...

surely i'll know. surely i'll recognize it.

surely i won't put it down on the piano, as i have before, and walk away to focus on other things. seemingly more pressing things. things on the horizon. things just beyond my grasp.

surely not.