wish i didn't have to sell my car

perhaps i should start off with a little background:

i like my car. i would rather not sell it. i lovingly refer to it as a 1996 VW POS... because it is.

my car is red. my car gets 30 mpg. the air conditioner will give you frostbite.

i bought my little red POS three years ago for $2500. there were some slight things that needed to be fixed up a little bit, but i figured i could take care of them fairly easily, so i only asked to go to 2500 down from 3000 that my buddy was asking. sold.

one of the things was that the alignment was a little off... the car pulled to the right... rather aggressively... and the check engine light was on ('oh that light has always been on... it's no big deal')... and the ABS light light was on.

so the next week i took it in for an alignment... 'oh and can you check out the clutch cable? it seems like there is a lot of play.'

the alignment required two new tires.

the clutch had to be replaced.

the ABS light was because three of the four wheel sensors were kaput... replaced... as well as three of the four brake calipers because they were worn out of limits... replaced.

the E-brake cable was rusted through... replaced.

'i don't know why the engine light is on... perhaps there is a part missing... but it seems to run ok.'

awe inspiring service.

so now, after four and a half grand, i've got a strong running $2500 car. BUT WAIT! as i pulled out of the parking lot... the brake pedal went to the floor.

master cylinder... kaput... replaced... make that 4800.

did i mention that the exhaust rusted through? replaced... 500 more.

i also recently totally replaced the distributor cap, spark plugs and cables. i've got a real road machine here now...

until friday, when on my way out the door to catch a flight, i climbed into my car and turned the key... VROOOOMSPuttersputter...dead.

hmmmm.... that's peculiar... it worked just an hour ago.

VROOOOOOMVROOOOMSPUtter sputter dead... shit.

i called a buddy, tore him away from his glowering wife on a friday evening at home and got a ride to the airport. disaster averted.

i had to hitchhike to work this morning, and this afternoon i came back home to troubleshoot the problem, as well as try to figure out where to tow it to.

i really don't like the idea of paying someone to move my car for me, so naturally i came up with an idea to circumvent that. i figured that as long as i maintain the RPMs above 4000, the engine stays on... it's only when they hit 3000 or so that the engine dies... so if i could find a route with minimal stops and if i could keep the engine revved then i MIGHT be able to make it the 8 miles to the garage. i gave myself 50/50 chances.

i started up, revved the gas, slipped the clutch and eased out of my backyard... step one complete. i rolled out of my cul-de-sac in 1st gear, made the left onto the side street, and then seeing the traffic was clear, pulled a california stop straight into a 135 degree right hand turn.

during that turn is when i realized i didn't have power steering... after the turn is when i realized i didn't really have brakes... with 4 miles of downhill road in front of me.

it was pretty exciting. i'd recommend the experience to anyone. trying to time your entry into a traffic circle with downshifting and E-brake and then taking said (small) traffic circle at 40 mph is a humbling experience. it really makes you appreciate all the small things we take for granted.

so, i'm still alive. the car made it to the garage and i got a ride home. to my empty fridge... well mostly empty... the milk doesn't smell too bad... maybe i'll have some cereal for dinner.

i like to live on the edge.

wisdom

there are many lessons in life, and there are just as many different ways to learn them.

here is your lesson for the day:

IF you should come home on Sunday night to find that your power has been off since 9am Saturday (since that's when it always goes out) and you see that your fridge and freezer have defrosted COMPLETELY, do not smell the sandwich fixings (ham and turkey)...

JUST THROW THEM AWAY

IF you DO smell them and they don't smell odd, do not make a sandwich with them the next morning... let alone two.

IF you DO make a sandwich (or two... to be precise), do not let it sit in your pocket for another 8 hours before you decide that it's time to eat it.

IF you DO decide to eat it... don't... it's better to starve.

that's my wisdom of the day... from me... to you

the stage

there are stories that appeal to us. they reach into your chest and squeeze. they constrict the base of your throat and push on the backs of your eyeballs until they water.

sometimes they are silly. sometimes they are tragic.

usually they involve a person... a hero... who comes to a crossroads in their life where they are faced with something overwhelming... and they release all that is unimportant to them, and reach for everything that means anything to them.

sometimes they succeed. sometimes they do not.

but overall, the inspiring part of the tale is the fact that the hero made a decision to take his fate into his hands... the hero cashed in all his chips on his dream. her path. their vision.

one must ask one’s self:

if this is a story that appeals to me, then is this hero not someone to emulate? shouldn’t i take my opportunity to follow my life’s path? my life’s passion?

it is a rare opportunity. some people have more to risk than others. people have varying amounts of support from their network of friends and family. sometimes it all comes down to timing. sometimes there is never that overwhelming catalyst to come into the picture and force a decision.

but there are always the stories. there are always examples... and somewhere inside of us, we wish for the opportunity to be thrust upon us to have to make that decision ourselves.

until then, there are stories

on this day...

i had an idea. nothing earth shattering and not even completely original, put personal and possibly life changing nonetheless.

and i'm not going to share it here... not because i don't think you are important enough, because you most certainly are, but because it is still new and fresh. it still needs to gather strength and take on a form of it's own, outside of my mind.

one day though... one day soon it will be all growed up and ready to leave the house on it's own.

until then, i just have this day... and the idea.

reunion

there is something about being home that slackens the belt around my heart and lets the air back in. it’s a golden soft feeling that warms the skin from the inside.

i walked through the door today to a home that wrapped it’s walls around me and hugged me like an old friend. it was cold inside and out. since i had left the clouds had moved in and continually dusted the mountains with early winter frosting. the power had gone out, but thankfully i had the forethought to clean out my fridge before leaving, so even the kitchen smelled clean.

it’s been raining since i landed back on italian soil and it seems like each drop is on a mission to penetrate and permeate every layer of warmth a person could wear. the rain is cold and the sky is a leaded grey. i got inside and turned on the heat after i realized i could see my breath better inside than out. i have no idea how any of my plants survived. they are obviously hearty little greenies, and the artificial drought must have made possible their survival through near freezing temperatures. sure, there are some leaves on the floor, and Fozzie the fern looks like he has been living in a methlab, but overall there aren’t any in critical condition.

there was mail waiting for me. a card from heather, some movies, more grad school catalogs, convenience checks, and a replacement pizza stone for the broken one i received two months ago... the replacement stone was also... broken... although less broken (if that’s a saying) than the first, having a smaller corner broken off. so there’s progress at least.

the speakers in my house welcomed me the loudest with some ‘iron and wine’ to listen to over the rain. i walked through the rooms and turned on all the lights. i sat on all the chairs and visited all the plants. i ran the faucets until warm water came out. i put fresh vegetables in the fridge... three carrots, celery, two peppers (one orange and one red), asparagus, broccoli, and a somewhat jovial portabello.

so now my home is warm, my heart is home, and you are all in my heart.

welcome

master procrastinator

so here is a conversation with myself:

whatcha doin?

nothin

shouldn't you be studying for tomorrow, or doing something productive?

yeah

why aren't you?

cuz

cuz why?

cuz i don't feel like it

oh... well... are you going to get around to it? i mean, it's getting kind of late.

yeah... like eventually... i mean, when i feel like it.

...

i am such a wonderful procrastinator.

a note on this photo.

it was taken at RED FOX PIZZA PUB... which is quite possibly the only pizza pub in existence that does not serve pizza. when i asked the waitress what kind of pizzas they had (after noticing the rather conspicuous absense of pizza in their menu), she looked at me as if i were crazy.

the nerve of me

so here is my friend, Kaiser, enjoying his slice of our make-believe pizza that we wanted to order.

anti-pasta please

i had a great i idea of something to write about. but alas... in the last few minutes while i was wandering over to the ol computerdora to jot it down, it ran from my mind in a spastic frenzy and jumped out the window of my hotel.

i didn't sleep well last night. kinda have had a lot on my mind. also i've been gone out of the house for a while and i'm kind of tired of the hotel life. my recent quest for minimalism with my packing has inadvertantly led to an over-minimalism. i brought one book that i read in the first two days. i have yet to find an english language bookstore to find a replacement and all my compatriots are mid-book and unwilling to trade.

aparently bulgarians are fans of italian food. it is really hard to find a restaurant that doesn't serve only pasta and pizza... i found a few, but it is also difficult to eat at those same restaraunts day in and day out. so i left italy for bulgaria... and i'm still eating italian food.

the hotel leaves a bit to be desired. apparently, on the 15th of October, they shut off the A/C for the season... because the system can only be on hot... or cold... so i have my window open for all the noise of the street to come in.

the hotel also can't hack the present bookings. the elevators lasted all of four days before they went kaput. two of the three just don't work. the other one doesn't come to you unless you are on the bottom floor, or unless by luck someone rises up to your floor. so i've been using the service elevators and getting funny looks from the staff.

this isn't to say that i'm entirely lazy. i am living on one of the upper floors though. i tried taking the stairs for a while, but none of the floors are marked, so if you lose count you have to go onto every floor and look at the room numbers... if you go too far you end up in the sub-sub-sub-basement... which is like -4 in european terms... 0 being the ground floor. also at floor 0 there is a virtual maze of unmarked doors through the underbelly of the administrative branch of the hotel. it is almost faster to wait on the floor for someone to bring the elevator up, and a lot less stressful.

i went to the black sea over the weekend. i stayed in a summer beach town... it is definitely not summer. it was most decidedly empty... but pleasant nonetheless. just the same, i think i'll go back in the summer next time.

i had a fairly taxing day at work today. one of those 'life lesson' type days that you hope never to repeat. it turned out fairly well, and i fessed up immediately about my mis-doings to the boss, but my adrenaline was going for a couple of hours. needless to say i won't have a hard time sleeping tonight.

i'm freaking exhausted.

duvishdene

seven days late

today is the day that i was supposed to leave for Copenhagen.

but i missed my flight...

by a week.

how could this happen? i’ve been asking myself all morning. i’m a NOONAN! airline schedules run in our bloodline! i was probably conceived on an airplane!

i’m so embarrassed.

granted, when i bought the ticket over a month ago, there was a lot going on. i had a lot on my mind and i was a little confused over what was going on during which week and so forth. so my ticket was for last Thursday... but i did somehow manage to take leave on the right days.

i woke up this morning at 5am so that i’d have time to pack and get some food in me before running a slew of errands on the way to the airport. at approximately 0615, i decided to check my email really quick while i was making coffee to see if there were any last minute notes from my cousin Elijah, who i’m going to meet up there.

Lo and behold, there were... she was asking me to look at the dates of the itinerary that i had emailed her to make sure they were correct... she was making sure that i hadn’t bought my plane tickets for the week prior, when i was most clearly NOT in copenhagen.

silly cousin, of course i bought them for last week.

shit.

the airline and cheaptickets.com were not very sympathetic. to them, i was case number AP270301XZQJ2UJN. they had all the sympathy of an insurance adjuster who was working on saturday.

it was 6:30 in the morning and i already wanted to fall in a heap on the floor. a moaning heap with no bones.

well, what’s 350 bucks among friends really?... besides two (small) starbucks coffees (no milk or anything) a week for a year. or two months of gasoline in italy. or a flight to copenhagen. i’ll just see if there is another ticket available last minute... oh, here we go...

only 800 pounds sterling... nope, that’s not gonna work.

finally, at about 3pm, i came across a fare that was roughly similar to the original price and i said, ‘what the hell, i want to see elijah.’

now, thanks to mastercard, i’ll be departing venice at o’dark thirty tomorrow morning for the great nation of denmark.

AND i have a whole free day to do whatever i need around the house... like... laundry.

i’m so excited.

SCAD

so it arrived today...

the Savannah College of Art and Design catalog...

i requested one on a whim. i’ll probably look around at other schools as well, we shall see. i’m not sure how much graduate school fits into my grown up life, but it’s a nice idea anyway, and one that is fun to entertain.

the idea of an M.F.A. is kind of scary after having a ‘career’ now for a few years now. i’ve gotten used to a regular paycheck and the feeling that i can afford whatever kinds of groceries i might desire... instead of top ramen and chili-mac again.

the whole idea is at least six years away (minimum), but it’s a nice idea. another way that it is scary is the whole idea of a body of work. of a focus. of a definitive direction to my photography:

oh there's patrick, he's that (fill in the blank) photographer...

it’s kind of intimidating. for the time being, i just shoot, and whatever comes out is what i have. sometimes it’s landscape... sometimes people. sometimes formal, sometimes informal. that’s all fine if one is an extremely prolific photographer, but i only take between 400-1100 pictures a month.

these are the things that are intimidating:
going ‘incomeless’ for about three years
student loans
leaving behind a possibly lucrative career that might afford me the time to accomplish the same thing without an M.F.A.

these are the things that are attractive:
unabashed focus on the craft
the opportunity to surround myself with artist and art-minded people once again
the opportunity to find that focus and that definitive direction
the fact that i have the GI bill that would pay for the brunt of it

it sounds like a risk of course. but what is life if not risk and reward? what is a life passion if you risk none of your life for it? what good is a bucketful of what-ifs on your deathbed?

perhaps it is even more than six years away... i’ve got sixteen (minimum) until the GI bill runs out. perhaps i could find that direction ahead of time (with enough hard work and motivation) and then i could use those three years to refine it, instead of searching for it.

today, a pleasant daydream... tomorrow... who knows? certainly not me, although i have some sneaky suspicions.

sweet dreams love

all things oktober

it's about that time again... oktoberfest.

this was from last year, at the end of the night. the three of us drove up on a thursday night and camped in a soccer stadium.

i don't know how the hell i managed to take this picture. i had already lost my favorite sunglasses. i'm surprised i still had my camera with me. i sat down on the ground, totally wasted, told them to stand still and took a three second handheld exposure on Bulb... since my camera only goes to 1 sec.

better lucky than good, i suppose.

anyways. this picture is to restimulate the mood of oktoberfest. may everyone go at least once.

mmm, makes me want to grab a beer... mmmm