i like to spend my time thinking about things sometimes

my life sometimes feels a little bit... what's the word... amorphous.

nebulous... lacking clarity perhaps... for example: i like cottage cheese and wheat thins. i mean i really like it. i might even say that i love it, and those who know me might say, "yes, that is quite true, that guy loves his cottage cheese and wheat thins."

so, i thought, maybe that's a problem... MAYBE, i shouldn't like it so much. MAYBE i should vary my diet somewhat. MAYBE i shouldn't have two extra boxes of wheat thins my cabinet and two extra containers of cottage cheese in my fridge just to make sure i don't run out.

and so i went cold turkey.

this was a while ago, back when i lived in italia... about a year and a half ago.

i made a conscious decision to buy NEITHER cottage cheese NOR wheat thins (both of them being gateway foods you see... leading unwaveringly towards each other), and i survived. i varied my diet. i was happy.

and yet something happened and i can't quite explain it. something subtle and with a scheming laugh crawled through my mind and waited until just the right moment when i was walking down the cracker aisle... it waited until i was kind of distracted with some other tidbit of my life and it casually mentioned that maybe i might want to get a box of wheat thins for my self... just wheat thins. no harm in that really.

i mean, so what if i had a tub of cottage cheese already in my cart. it was purely a coincidence.

everyone knows that cottage cheese, when added to whisked eggs, makes the fluffiest scrambled eggs on earth... and i had been planning on eating the fluffiest scrambled eggs for a while. right?

"totally," said the subtle and scheming laugh

i'm not sure what happened afterwards, because it all seems like a blur now, but the next thing i remember is waking up on my floor with an empty box of wheat thins and a empty tub of cottage cheese with the realization that i was not as strong as i once believed.

friends complain that i don't call anymore. they say i never write them back.

when they come by i casually open my fridge and cabinets, in an offhand way, to reveal a total absence of wheat thins and cottage cheese... little do they know that the wheat thins are hidden in an unappetizing box of pancake mix and the cottage cheese is in an old yogurt tub.

some people may call it a problem, but i don't think i'm hurting anyone. i mean, i can handle myself.

but seriously... i was talking about amorphousness... nebulousness

pause

once again, i haven't written in a while.

i suppose there is some kind of reason why it has fallen to the wayside. i was doing so well for a while. kind of like going to the gym... i'm not really that much of a gym-goer these days... ALTHOUGH, i did just get my new bike in the mail:


i replaced the white seat with a black leather Brooks saddle, but other than that, it's the same. i'm quite excited about it. it's a fixed gear, which means that there is only one gear and no derailers. the rear gear is fixed to the rear wheel so if the wheels turn, the pedals turn. there is no freewheeling on this guy.

when i first got him in the mail from the folks at Mission Bicycles in San Francisco, i put it together and jumped on to ride over to the bike store and doublecheck the tire pressure, which ended up being fine. on the way back to the dorms, i noticed i was riding right past the running/cycling track that runs around the perimeter of the base and couldn't resist taking it for a little spin...

so around the base i went, about 5-6 miles.

the first thing i noticed is what an entirely different experience riding a fixed gear bicycle is. because the legs are always moving, there is no period where one can rest one's legs, so i found myself getting into a groove with the motion. i also noticed quite quickly that i'm rather accustomed to coasting in a semi-standing position as i approach a bump... that doesn't quite work on this bike... you pedal over everything, whether you want to or not.

you also can't take corners quite as aggressively as you can on a freewheeling bike, as the pedal will hit the ground eventually.

i also noticed rather quickly how asymmetric my pedaling mechanics are. i've heard that fixed geared bikes were good at streamlining your pedaling form, but about mile 4, when my legs were a little fatigued, was when i really noticed how much i was favoring one leg. so strange.

the bottom line though: i forgot to wear gloves and it was below freezing, but even though my fingers were purple and felt like they were on fire for 20 minutes after i got home, i have been wearing a big smile on my face ever since.

hope you all had a happy holiday
happy new year

crastination

it's only 4am.

i have two more hours to kill before i roll into bed... i'm on the night train and i like it.

there is something peaceful about being up in the middle of the night when everyone else is in bed. i preferred it when i was in school, and i think i still prefer it now. as much as i like to socialize, i like to have my time to myself as well. i'm not sure if everyone i work with could understand that. most of them seem addicted to peer attention and social interaction. i guess i'm just not as much of a social animal... as much.

i'll admit, i like company just as much as the next person, but i rarely crave it in the way that some people around here do.

i'm listening to Amon Tobin's album Permutation. i just bought it today... i think i may be officially addicted to iTunes. they should seriously have a mileage program (or something) with their accounts... i'd have a free round-trip ticket to anywhere in the continental United States by now... anyways, the album rocks. me gusta... as them native spanish speakers say.

and, as i said that, i just bought Venetian Snares' album Rossz Csillag Alatt Szuletatt... somebody stop me... no more iTunes.

i put some more photos up on Flickr today. it has also been a while since i had done that... since early September, right after i got back from Mongolia. i figure it was about time... besides, i am working on a little project that got me refocused again.

i LOVE projects... capital L

now it's 05:30am... time for sleep i suppose... lest the sun rise and throw my clock off.
good night.

As-Salāmu Aleykum

myself: it has... once again... been awhile... welcome back me.

me: thanks, it's good to be back myself

myself: where have you been, i must ask?

me: apparently i have been waylaid by the distractions.

myself: the distractions, eh? do explain.

me: well, you see... the distractions are those little things that distract us... me, myself, and I... and depending on the current, the distractions can be more or less effective.

myself: what current might this be?

me: the current is the flow of daily life... it's tied into the larger flow of the week... and then again into the months and years that make up the current of our lives... it requires that there be a positive charge and a grounded element to create the motion, direction, and flow... IF one of those two elements is missing, the flow can slow, stop, or even reverse. THAT's when the distractions come in... they act as resistors to flow... they act to diffuse the current and to dilute it, creating a loss of focus and perspective.

myself: that sounds pretty cosmic amigo.

me: well, it is friend... quite cosmic indeed.

myself: so what has changed? i assume the current had stalled... and now it's flowing again?

me: good way to think of it i suppose... current can only go one way at a time. if it tries to go in to many directions at once, it'll stall every time, especially if there is no ground... and i had been missing a ground for quite some time.

myself: i would say so. it's been since July first, but better late than never i suppose. it's just good to see you writing again. it feels pretty cleansing doesn't it?

me: yes sir it does; quite cleansing. i can't even imagine at this point what would have made me put down the pen for so long... that's four long months.

myself: yeah, but you were pretty busy that whole time. you were getting ready to spend a month bouncing around between a week in Florida and two weeks in Mongolia... then you were back home for two weeks, then you were off again to Montgomery, Alabamba for five weeks. so now this is the longest you've been home in 4 months.

me: yeah, i suppose, AND i'm leaving again next weekend for Ubergirlelijah's wedding.

myself: TOTALLY looking forward to THAT!

me: indeed.

myself: so you're good? back in one piece?

me: i'm good. focusing on getting the current back on track... trying to keep it focused and not spread out in too many directions.

myself: Insha'allah.

me: indeed.

slightly watered down

a dilution of sorts

where the thoughts in my mind are translucent but i still just can't grasp them

i'm listening to kate nash. it's tuesday night and my cider is almost empty. my stomach is poking me in the ribs and whining, but i have yet to make a move towards the fridge...

soon, dear stomach, soon

i've gotten into a bad habit lately of procrastinating with my feedings in the evening. i wait and wait instead of just sucking it up and cooking something. then, when i can't stand it anymore, i fix something quickly... or i eat chips and salsa... the dinner for last night.

it's not exactly the most fulfilling meal in the world, but it is spicy.

a friend recently pointed out that perhaps i am too passive in my approach to life. perhaps i allow other people to take the reigns too often, they said. perhaps i should stand up for what i would like to pursue. i am truly thankful for this flavor of insight.

this is a wonderful idea, all i have to do is figure out what exactly it is that i wish to pursue. that, however, is where all the complicated bits come into play:

i want it all. i want everything.

i want experiences that no one else has. i want security. i want a chance to test my mettle. i want to be recognized for my abilities. i want to be anonymous. i want to risk and be rewarded. i want a slower pace of life. i want to draw my friends closer. i want to excel. i want to blow it off. i want to inspire and be inspired. i want to chase down my fears at a full sprint and tackle them to the dirt, laughing and tugging at their hair. i want simplicity. i want minimalism. i want clarity. i want freedom to say what i think and stand behind my words.

i want to know what my words would mean if i said them aloud
and to the people they are meant for

......

i would agree with my friend: i am passive in many aspects of my life. i do go with the flow to see where it will take me. as much as people think i stand waist deep in the current and dig my heels in... as much as people think i swim upstream... i think most of the time i'm floating on my back with my toes in the air and my eyes closed.

i'm making it up as i go along. isn't everyone?

two hours

the drive up north to where my friends live is two hours.

i don't have a lot of close friends up there... in fact, i could count them on less than one hand. some of them i've met recently, some of them i've known for years, but i trust them all.

the drive is a little long, but definitely worth it... especially now, and even in the heat with a car with a weak-sauce air conditioner.

it rained all the way up there, so i had the cool comfort of driving my warm and dry little bubble up through the deluge with windshield wipers furiously slapping the water away. instead of music, i listened to all my unlistened-to episodes of This American Life... the drive takes almost exactly two episodes.

usually, i listen to the episodes at home on my computer after work while i'm making dinner of some sort. this is the first time i've ever actually put my 'podcasts' on an ipod for use on the road, and i would consider it a success.

i found myself driving along and looking outside as i listened to ira glass' voice... listening to all the stories... i found myself looking at the endless sea of rice fields. every stalk looks like the exact same height as it's neighbor when witnessed at 60 miles an hour... every paddy looks like the rice paddy to the side. they are all stacked slightly so as to use the runoff of the rice paddy above it and so they cascade down to the sea around raised roads and ramshackle homes.

the sunset reflects in the water around each spike of green. the grey sky itself is reflected in the silver fields. i found myself remarking on the physical beauty of the place. i wanted to stop the car and walk about. i wanted to sit on a hillside and take it all in.

but i was in my little bubble rolling through the hills listening to ira glass' voice and contemplating the various stories of various lives... as well as my own.

and thinking about the sheer quantity of green that i was witnessing... and how as much as the country is now green, just 7 months ago it was that brown... with nothing green.

green to me is the color of freshness and rebirth. it is the color of both the struggle of life and the serenity that the struggle leaves behind in it's wake.

you can fit a lot of green in two hours

weird dream

so i'm going to do something here that i haven't done in a while... since i was a kid actually.

i'll explain:

when i was a kid. if i had a bad dream, i would most likely wake up, be all scared, then go back to sleep to the very same dream. it was so frustrating. when i was about 14 or so, i thought maybe i should try writing them down as a way to get those dreams out of my head, so i kept a notebook beside my bed. if the same dream woke me up a couple of times, i'd just turn on my light, write down as much of the dream as i remembered, and go back to sleep... usually peacefully, and often i'd never have that dream again.

so here i am. an adult, having a bad dream. granted, i know it's a bad dream, which i didn't necessarily know when i was six. it wasn't super scary, but it wasn't the most restful thing in the world either... i think bad dreams change as you get older... fewer monsters and more stressors.

but maybe that's just me... i can't say that's the case for everyone.

my dream took place in a variety of environments, and at the same time, in the usual temporally inconsistent dream fashion: out in the pitch black woods at night and in my old bedroom from when i was a kid, among other places that have now blurred away into the waking world.

in the woods i had the feeling that i was with a group of people who were hiding from something. i couldn't see the people i was with, but i knew we were all out there. it was some sort of game. we couldn't get caught. something... somethings were looking for us, and they were good. the had phenomenal hearing and smell. they could move around easily in the dark, but they couldn't see very well, so as long as you laid absolutely still they probably would find you.

but they would walk amongst you. i could feel their feet push off the ground next to where i was laying as one by one they stepped over me, and they were massive things. i could feel the earth displace with their steps. i was nervous they would crush me if by chance they accidentally stepped on me. but that was their game... that's how they got you to move. that's how they found you, because they could only smell you. they wanted you to make a sound.

meanwhile THEY would make sounds. kind of a humming moaning chant that sounded like a song.

there was nothing scary about their song except that it didn't have words.. and it was related to them, and that make it scary.

so then, in my dream, i woke up to find myself in the dark in my childhood room... in bed. i knew where i was because i could just make out the features. it was very quiet for a few minutes and i just laid there. then i heard the chanting/ moaning again... it was coming from the hallway outside the door, and i froze. i knew if i moved or made a sound that they would come in...

how did they find me in my old room? i don't know man, it's a dream.

suddenly the door opened, and my uncle mike walked in. he used to live with us growing up, and was like a second dad to me. he passed away ten years ago last february.

he was trying to say something to me, and he was obviously upset, so they words really weren't coming out very clearly. either that or i can't remember them anymore, but the jist of it is that 'why was i making all this noise'. at the same time, he wasn't blaming me. he knew i wasn't making it, because he could see me and still hear it at the same time. but he was a little upset... as was i. i couldn't explain it to him because i still couldn't make a sound.

like when you wake up from a dream when you're a kid and you try to scream but have no voice.

i couldn't talk, even though i wanted to.

so my uncle left, and i laid there for a few minutes until the sounds passed, then i got up and ran down the hall into his room since i could finally move, but he wasn't there.

my grandparents were in his bed, but i realized it too late, and had already roused my grandfather, who grabbed me in his sleep, sat up, and smacked me hard, thinking i was an intruder. then my grandmother woke up, and i tried to explain what was going on and they said to stop imagining things, and to go back to bed.

so i did, and the sounds came back... this time in my room.

then i woke up and found myself here. i thought it was perhaps time to revisit that old practice of mine, and write it down to let it go.

thank you for your help.
goodnight.

because

about this time yesterday night
conditions seemed to be just right
to pick some words, to make them rhyme
in simple metronomic time

there are no patterns in these deeds
no metaphors or hidden seeds
just rhyming words all in a row
they come as fast as ink can flow

when i was young i wrote much more
i'd lay stretched out upon the floor
with pen in hand and words in head
and little thought to what i said

i have no reason why i write
it's not from sadness, fear, or spite
more likely 'cause i like the sound
of metered rhyming words around

shells

there were some shells down by the sea
but they all looked the same to me
my feet were wet, my skin was burned
the sun had set, the whitecaps churned

then at my feet was one unique
and modest shell that seemed to speak
into my soul, into my ear
in one small voice that i could hear

i am like you, it said to me
i spend all day down by the sea
and i look up, while you look down
we both see sameness all around

but don't be sad with empty hands,
or pockets full of dripping sands,
for in the search it matters not
just what you find: it's how it's sought

bamboo

jeonju